Sticky Feet’s Friday feature is Friday Flashback. I hope you’ll enjoy some of my posts from the original Sticky Feet blog. As I look through the archives, it is amazing how much things change…. but yet, how much things stay the same!
The post below was originally published on March 22, 2007.
Well… it has been an interesting 24 hours.
It definitely hasn’t sunk in yet that this may be it. I am still very hopeful but on edge that the other shoe will drop and I will end up back at the starting line. With negative betas it always felt like reality snapped back into focus after a cycle but with a positive beta it really feels more like I’ve just prolonged the anxiety and fear of the 2ww by about 9 months. I’ll take it, even if I’m filled with anxiety for the next 9 months if it means I get a healthy baby in the end. (For those of you out there who actually are pregnant after infertility *which I don’t consider myself to be yet* how long did it take for this anxiety to go away? For you to actually feel like you might end up with a real baby?)
We went to my parents for supper and my mom immediately wanted to know about the blood test. We told her and I reminded her that it is still very early and so much can happen but I don’t think she really heard me. She is just sure that this is it and that we will be bringing home a baby. I wish I had that same naive confidence.
She had a gift for me. It was the pregnant Willow Tree Angel. I collect Willow Tree angels and it was very nice of her to have this ready to give me the second I had a positive beta, but at the same time it feels like it will jinx everything. I said something to that effect when she gave it to me and her reply was “well, just put it out when you are ready.” So I didn’t even take it out of the box. The fact is, I’m just not ready. It can sit in the box for awhile longer and maybe, after I see a heartbeat, then I will get it out and put it with my collection.
I guess it just doesn’t seem possible that this could all actually work out. That I could actually end up with a child. I have read blogs that say things like this before and I never truly understood before now. When life hands you lemons for so long it is so hard to realize that maybe there really will be something sweet (like lemonade — or heck, dare I say, a baby) at the end.
In reality, there is no reason why I should automatically assume that something will go wrong. I have only been pregnant once before and it was ectopic. Yes, I had 4 failed IVF cycles (2 fresh, 2 frozen) but there is no reason for me to think that I will miscarry. But I’ve read enough blogs and been around infertility long enough to know that bad things continually happen to good people. I’ve been on the wrong side of the odds a lot and I’m just afraid that it will happen again. And oh, I so don’t want that to happen this time…
I guess my current feelings also serve as a reminder to me that pregnancy is only a means to an end. Getting pregnant is only the first step (a fucking long and hard step for me, but still, only the first step) My ultimate goal is the actual baby. An actual living, breathing, healthy child that I can physically hold in my arms.
But I’m trying to live day by day….
So the next “baby” step, is a doubling beta tomorrow… wish me luck.
My thoughts, 4 years later…
Well, let’s just say my Willow Tree collection has expanded.
The toys scattered on the floor are a nice touch, don’t you think?