I just can’t win.
I had an OB appointment today. Mom and Bo went with me and I dropped them off at the mall thinking that my appointment would be routine and wouldn’t take more than 30 minutes — weight check, blood pressure, urine, heartbeats, a “how are you feeling?” and out the door I’d go back to the mall to eat some lunch and head home.
Yeah, not so much.
Three hours later, I finally made it back to pick them up.
The doctor decided to go ahead and do a cervix check today and found that I am starting to dilate. She said it was only a fingertip, but this concerned her enough to decide to do a non-stress test. They hooked me up to the monitors but it was difficult to establish heart rates for the babies since they are still so small (I’ll be 26 weeks on Tuesday). It quickly became apparent that I was having contractions (proving once again that I have very little feeling in my uterine area as I didn’t feel them at all) and that we needed to take action to stop them. They brought me water, propped me on my side, and gave me a shot of terbutaline. My doctor warned me that the terbutaline was going to make me very anxious — and she wasn’t kidding – definitely not a drug I want to have to take often. All of this worked and they did get the contractions to stop but my uterus was still “very irritable.”
She was originally going to wait and do an ultrasound at my next appointment but decided that they at least needed to measure my cervical length. At my last ultrasound my cervix was a 4. Today it was at 2.5 and is starting to funnel. Not good.
She said I am a borderline case, but sent me home without bedrest. She did prescribe procardia which she hopes will calm my uterus and help avoid contractions. I’ll be taking this every 6 hours. I am suppose to take it easy (ha!). I quickly tried to summarize what is going on in my life right now and she was very understanding. She seems to realize what it is like when there are other children involved (not to mention everything else…)– but she warned me that if things do not look better when I see her on Tuesday that bedrest will no longer be optional.
Mom is scheduled to have eye surgery on Monday and there are many issues regarding all of this that also need to be taken into consideration. Mom needs someone to stay with her, someone to drive her to her surgery and to follow-up appointments, etc. It also means that she can not help with Bo. She can not lift him or chase him. She also needs to be taking it easy for at least a few days — and more likely a few weeks.
Mike does not have the option of taking off work this week. He is the second in command in his new office and his boss is in Florida for two weeks. He is the only one in the state who currently has a key to get into his office. Taking off work is not an option. Even if I go into real labor, I’m not quite sure what he will do. He’s 3 1/2 hours away during the day and nearly 5 hours away from us at night. He just isn’t available or able to help during the week right now and won’t be at least until we are settled in the new house.
All of this leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m suppose to be doing as little as possible with Bo, Mom, a house to take care of (which would be easier to let slide if they weren’t showing it…), etc. At least my paying job can be completed from a sitting position.
I don’t know what to do. I know, logically, that I have to take it easy. I have to do less. I can’t physically do everything that I have been doing and keep these babies alive and safe. And even if I do less, it still doesn’t guarantee healthy, full-term, babies. But realistically, I just don’t see any solutions. Bo can’t feed himself, dress himself, give himself a bath, or put himself to bed. Mom is going to need help as well. The house definitely doesn’t clean itself, magically cook food, wash the laundry, take out the trash, do the dishes, or vacuum up cat hair all on it’s own.
Part of the issue is that I am very bad at asking for help. I have a fierce independent streak and I don’t want to have to ask for help. I don’t want to put anyone out. I don’t want to impose on other’s lives, families, etc. Above all, I realize that I am definitely not the only person out there who has problems or who is struggling and I don’t want to add stress to other people’s lives by asking them for help. That said, it’s getting to the point where I am going to have to ask for help – even more so because the people who I would typically depend on for help (Mike and Mom) aren’t available. And that scares me.
And I’m not sure who to ask or what to ask them to do.
All opinions, advice, and thoughts welcome. I’m to the point of being brain dead from thinking about all of this too much.
TAKE IT EASY.
Let the house go, eat take out, let the laundry pile up.
Can't do that? Hire a maid and let them do it!
Hire a babysitter for Bo. Ask a friend to help watch him
Tell your mother that you are sorry but you will not be drive her around the next couple weeks. Offer to split (or pay for the whole thing) a home health nurse/college student or high school student looking to make extra money.
Take leave from your job. It is not important right now.
Your only job right now is to keep Yourself, Bo, and those twins alive.
Good luck.
is there any way your mom can postpone her surgery? this way you won't have to worry about taking care of her on top of everything else. if that isn't an option, does she have friends who can help out? and it seems like you have tons of friends there who can help you out – i know its hard to ask, but you are not a failure if you ask for help. you can't do everything jamie, and shouldn't be expected to – even superwoman needs a break! your priority now should be taking care of yourself and bringing those sweet little girls into this world healthy! hang in there, and use the support system you have to stay healthy!!
I don't have any good advice. I know – this I know for sure – that you will have to figure out a way to take it easy. If you don't, and those babies come, you will regret it. They might come anyway, but at least you know you did everything you could. I like Amy's question about your mom's friends. And maybe you could hire someone – even with you in the house – to help with Bo? At least clean / prep meals, etc? Perc "makes" me relax, so I can't imagine chasing Elodie on it…
Anyway. I'm thinking of you. And hoping it works out and you keep those babies in for a lot longer.
Delegate, delegate, delegate.
Find as much unpaid and paid help as possible. You are not the only one who can drive, who can clean, who can change diapers, etc.
You probably don't belong to the local Mothers of Multiples club since you're moving soon, but you can probably do a temporary membership (or even regular, since it's not very expensive — mine is $25 per year). The club should be able to give you all sorts of referrals for babysitters and other household help, and you might even get some members willing to lend a hand here and there.
Getting your mom's surgery postponed is a good idea too, if possible.
Too bad the blogosphere isn't geographically nearby; you'd have all sorts of help from your bloggy friends. Time for IRL friends and relatives to step in.
Good luck!!
You need to take it easy. A twin PG is very hard on your body. You want to keep them growing as long as possible or life will get more complicated.
Ask for help (I know I hate that too). And let the house get messy. Teach Bo about Jammy day (did that with my boys to get through the end of my PG with my daughter). Lay on the floor a lot and play with your son. The dust and laundry will wait, if Bo doesn't get a bath every day he will be fine!
Thinking of you and take care. Wish I could come help out, I know how difficult a twin PG can be. (and I didn't have a toddler at the time)
You should also contact your insurance. They should b able to help with the cost of a mone health aide or whatever. Also, Bo is old enough that you should be able to find a high school student who is trustworthy and would love the opportunity to make some money, which would cost less and help lots.
We did discuss postponing mom's surgery but for numerous reasons I feel like it is important that she goes ahead and has it done.
1) She is already to the point where she can't see out of her right eye. The doctor said it will only get worse as more time passes. So while it is not an emergency, it is something that she needs to have done sooner rather than later.
2) She can't currently drive out of town. Until she has the surgery she will not be able to drive up to our new house and visit us on her own.
3) At least right now I'm here. I may not be able to help her much or do anything to help her through her surgery, but at least I'm here. If she waits until after we move, I won't be here. And that worries me.
4) And, my truly selfish reason – I guess I just want the surgery done and mom as normal as possible before the twins actually arrive. While her help would be beneficial now — I'm going to need her help then even more.
My biggest concern — which may not come across well in my blog post – is making sure that Bo is taken care of — and well taken care of. It is difficult for me to balance his needs in my mind with the needs of the girls. They are all my children.
I am VERY HOPEFUL that this medicine will work and on Tuesday they will send me home as is and able to at least take care of Bo. I know I will still have to rest more and I do need to take it more easy but if I can take care of Bo, I feel like I can deal with the rest of it and figure it out.
Those are my thoughts this morning after "sleeping on it."
I am so sorry all of this is being dumped on you right now. I don't have an advice, but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. If I was anywhere near you I would come help.
What a crazy time in your life right now. So sorry to hear that things didn't go as planned at your OB appointment. Hope things will be looking good when you go back on Tuesday. Have a great weekend!!
Ummm, I believe I told you last week that my phone rings 24/7. And that is every day!!! I bet I could be at your house in a minute and stay for hours if needed and Uncle Mike and Bo do get along quite well! Now that said, what this means is, that you will not "be asking" I have already offered! Take me up on it, after all are we not your "surrogate Parents" Still?
ML ( I am on Mikes 'puter)
My vote is hire a nanny or full time sitter if that is an option. You will be there to oversee everything, but you will have somoeone to lift Bo, help with laundry, chase the little guy around and those kinds of things.
You are in a sticky situation, I wish I could do something to help.
I am so sorry that you are being pulled in so many directions right now. I've honestly marvelled at how much you have going on and how well you're handling it. LOT of stress right now.
But.
Maria and Cassandra are right. I don't want to throw statistics at you, nor scare you, but I have a girlfriend whose twins were born at 28 weeks (PPROM). And I can tell you – seeing them, it's FAR more than just needing help when they're born, and being a good mom to Bo right now. My girlfriend's daughters will have lifelong health issues. One of them is in long term NICU care, and they have no idea when she'll be out of the hospital. And they were born 6 months ago.
Like I said, I don't mean to scare you. But keeping your babies healthy now should be tantamount.
I like the idea of seeing if you can get a high schooler to nanny for Bo. While you're there, you can rest, and know that he's being taken care of.
And for your Mom, getting a nurse or paid help to drive her around while she recovers? Might be paid for by her insurance, and will take a lot of responsibility off you.
I know you have a lot going on, and like Somewhat Ordinary, I wish that I lived in your area to come over and help out too.
Hugs. Hang in there. But YES. As hard as it is, you're going to have to delegate some of the stuff off your plate. Bo will be fine. Your Mom will be fine.
xxx
Hire someone If you have to but put those feet up. You don't have a choice here.
I think that if you would make some calls and ask for help you would be able to reduce a lot of your stress. Call your former teachers that you worked with. Now is the best time to rely on their help because it is the middle of summer. Call some or your former favorite students. They would love to help out around the house and especially with Bo. As far as the house goes it has been on the market for over a year. If the right person comes along a little bit of clutter is not going to scare them off. We just sold our house in Olney, and it also took a year. I also stressed over keeping it clean for showings. It has been a big relief since we sold it. Now we can actually live in it until the closing date. If I was not moving next week I would love to help you out. Stress is not good for you or your family. I had a nervous breakdown last year because I could not deal with too much stress. Lighten your load by asking for help. I hope that everything works out for you. Shelley
Scary. I must speak bluntly: you have to put your twins' needs first. You cannot do everything or even half of everything. Bo is very young, but his basic care needs can be met by someone else. Your twins do not have that luxury. Your job right now is to do whatever you can to get these babies close to term. That means taking it easy and following doctor's orders. You've lived in your town for your entire life and have the advantage of knowing lots of people who care about you and Bo and would be willing to help out — all you have to do is reach out.
As a mom to a 29 weeker(PPROM), you need to do everything you can to keep those little girls inside of you. Luckily, my little boy is doing well, but the first year was mostly worries of will he do this, will he do that. And spending 8 weeks in the NICU was probably the most draining experience of my life. And I didn't have another little one at home.
That being said, I understand that you have Bo to take care of and a lot of other things. I too am pregnant and have a little guy that is Bo's age. I'm also high risk because of my previous delivery. It is hard to balance taking care of you/babies and taking care of him. But in the end, getting someone to take care of Bo while you rest, will only be temporary. As I learned, having a preemie is a tough road. And sometimes it doesn't end.
My heart goes out to you as you are in such a tough situation.
Jamie,
I am so sorry to hear about your latest OB appointment. I know this is the last thing you needed/wanted to hear.
I cannot imagine how stressful this situation must be for you. I know your life is busy and chaotic right now, but you have to take it easy. Although it is not ideal, you must relinquish some of your independence. You can no longer do it ALL.
Your top priority right now has to be the health and well-being of your girls. I know Bo is the center of your world, but he will be okay with someone else helping to care for him. Just remember that this inconvenience is only temporary.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Ashley
Hi
As has been said just leave he house, dishes, cat hair etc etc.
Can you hire a nurse to care for your mum?
take care and try everything you can to keep your precious babies inside!
Moira
Like everyone else said, you have to take it easy. Be realistic! With problems this early, even if you don't end up on bed rest next week, you likely will in the 3rd trimester. Also think about how dificult it will be if the twins are in the NICU for 4 months. I don't believe that Bo would be allowed in the NICU due to his age. That would be a pretty awful situation. Try to avoid it by all cost! Put your plans into place now so that you're ready.
–A high school mommy's helper would be perfect to help you with Bo. You can still mommy him, but she can lift him for changes, in and out of his crib for naps, etc.
–Hire someone else to come once a week to do the real cleaning so all you have to do is take care of the day-to-day Bo messes.
–Ask your realtor for 24 hours notice before showings so you can call a friend to help clean before a showing.
–As for your mom, think about what she would do if she had no children or if her children lived far away. She'd still have the surgery, but she'd rely on friends or healthcare support services. You can be there to support her emotionally, but let someone else do the physical things. Have ger call the hospital to see if they have a driving service. Most likely they do as nursing home patients must be driven to and from appointments and surgeries. Have her call her insurance to see if a home health nurse would be covered for the post-op recovery.
Are you a member of a church? They are great in organizing support in situations like this. If you are, please give them a call to see how they can help.
Jamie,
Please be very careful. If I were you, I would put myself on bedrest at this point. I had my little boy 6 weeks early, and my doctor as a precaution put me on bedrest when I was at 26 weeks and my cervix was only at 3 (but it had shortened quickly). I then got off semibedrest and it shortened again. Again, I was pregnant with one baby, not twins. We got pregnant with this baby after trying for 5 years. The only reason my cervix was checked was because we live in Germany, and it is standard to measure your cervix–high risk or not. I thank God we were overseas for the pregnancy, or we could have lost this baby or had him very early. I am very thankful to have made it to 34 weeks. I am pretty sure if you get below 2.0 bedrest is not an option. Like I said, because you are preggo with twins and still just at 26 weeks, I am a bit surprised your doctor did not put you on bedrest. There are lots if chatrooms for women dealing with pregnancy and short cervixes. You might post on one of them to get some feedback. They might know about insurance coverage for childcare, etc. Be so very careful. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Jamie, I forgot to mention that we had a 2 year old (our Guatemalan princess) at home to take care of while I was on bedrest. It was not easy, and I felt guilty. She would try to feed me with her little plastic sets! However, you will really not be able to be there for Bo if you have to be at the hospital with the twins for weeks and weeks. I am so very sorry that you have to deal with this. I would remind myself while on bedrest that this was just for a season. Unlike those folks with some very serious illness with many unknowns…I knew I was going to be able to get up after the baby came. I knew there was an end in sight and a beautiful reward–in your case double that–at the end.
If I were you I would hire someone to come in and help even if I had to take a loan out to do it. Hopefully you will be able to stay on bedrest at home and not go to the hospital.
Oh, I can completely relate to what you're going through. I was put on modified bedrest at around 29 weeks due to low amniotic fluid, and help from my relatives is the only thing that enabled me to take care of myself (and have my daughter taken care of), so, like the others have said, DO NOT be afraid to ask for help. You need it, and your babies need it.
I wish I lived closer to help you. I am well aware of how difficult it is to be pregnant with twins, in the heat of the summertime, try to work, AND chase a toddler around. And you have a move, a sick mom, and an absent husband on top of it.
I would call your local HS and see if they can recommend a HS student who can help you, or perhaps ask neighbors if they know of anyone. Can a friend take Bo a few mornings a week?
You'll get through this. It may not seem like it now, but you will. (HUGS)
I agree with all those that said to look back at some former students that might be looking for some extra summer money. I bet there would be some that could drive your Mom too if need be.
Take care of yourself, Bo and the twins.
Jamie, please call on your former colleagues and students for help. take a leave of absence from your job. Like others say, your mom can rely on friends for help. And hired help can clean and take care of Bo. You are the only one that can take care of the twins. I will be thinking of you, and hope you work out the help you need this weekend.
What about asking your friend Mandy to stay with you and help you out? Or what about hiring one of your yearbook girls as a nanny for the summer? You can look into home support for your mom. Of course you'd rather have someone you know helping her but you need to worry about the babies right now. You will have even more work/logistical stresses if they come early…not to mention their health etc.
What about Mikes parents? Does him mom work? Its summer vacation there…so your work friends/students will be out of school…right now you owe it to Bo and your girls to be the one to ask for help. Swallow your pride and just ask. If people say no(unless they have a really good reason-like work obligations) then they show their true colours…and you just move on to the next one.
Good luck!
I hate asking for help, too and found it easier to pay people to help me. The people who were most willing, eager, and easiest to ask turned out to be former students. Could you turn to any of your yearbook girls to handle Bo? Can any of your friends recommend a house keeper? We hired a house keeper while I was on bed rest and honestly I don't know why we didn't do it sooner, and we have kept her on every two weeks even though I'm sure we could handle it on our own. It's nice to have one less thing to worry about.
Do you have any friends with kids around Bo's age? Maybe they can keep Bo once in a while, or at least recommend a sitter or daycare?
I'm sending up prayers for you.
I was just thinking…I know you don't want your mom to feel "abandoned" but what about hiring someone to look after her like I and a bunch others stated above…and then moving up to stay where Mike is(is he living with his parents? I can't remember)? Your house would stay clean for showings, and then if Mike's mom works during the day and can't help…you can hire someone there to help during the day and then in the evening Mike and the family can be there and help you feel less alone. Your mom can come up to visit/stay when she has recovered for a couple weeks. I am sure your mom wouldn't want you to risk the babies, and would know they need to be your first priority(along with Bo's needs being met).
Just another thought.
Get help! Hire it if you don't want to ask people for favors but I have a feeling people will be quite willing to help. In fact, if I didn't have newborn twins of my own I would fly out to help you! Is there another relative or friend that can help your mom? Hire someone to clean your house before it is shown and hire a babysitter for Bo if you can't find a friend to help because you definitely need to take it easy and put your feet up, as hard as it is and believe me, I know it is hard. I fought it but had to give in in the end.
Please take care of yourself and those babes of yours!
As a mama who had to go on bedrest when she had an active 13 month old running around I feel your pain. All I can tell you is that it is vital! If you continue down this path those drugs that make you anxious will be every 4 hours and if you get up to pee you will start contracting. Obey doctor's orders, take care of you and ASK for help. It was hard for me too but 11 years later looking at both of my healthy kids it was worth it. Praying for you!
You already got a bunch of good advise. BUT…If you don't mind a nearly complete stranger and her 19 month old coming up for a few days, I can help. It would take a little doing, but I can help.
As an OB nurse I recommend plenty of fluids, emptying your bladder often and getting a copy of your prenatal file to keep with you in case you need to go to a local hospital.
I feel for you with the bedrest issue but I didn't have a toddler either.
Take care and let me know if you would like to have a "play date" where I come to watch Bo or if you want me to ride along to a Dr appt.
Jill E G
I can't add much to what everybody else has said but my one suggestion is get a bunch of those plastic non-skid stools they sell at Wal-Mart. Then Bo can climb in an out of the bath and into bed without you lifting. He will only need your hand to balance with.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
What worked for me was stict bedrest. I urge you to ask your doctor for steriod shots at your next appt. I was 2 cm dialated at 26 weeks and was contracting (not feeling them either) and was admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks, then sent home on strict bedrest, then had my twins at 31 weeks. CAn you move in with Mike's parents and hire a sitter for Bo if his parents can't watch him full time. Can you have a friend drive your mom?? You have to take care of yourself at this point. I know you are doing the best you can and it's tough with a toddler, but you have started to dialate and now it must be all about the babies. Sorry to sound so harsh but I've been there and anything before 32 weeks is a scary time. I didn't realize how serious dialating at 26 was until a very kind and knowledgable nurse in the hospital set it to me. i would be careful at the computer too. I was told that sitting upright, like at the dinner table or computer, is just as hard on your cervix as standing. I was told to lay on my side or partially on my side so the babies didn't push all their weight down. My attitude at first was one of concern but somewhat of denial. I know this is a tough and busy time for you and your family and I hope it all works out!
I know you got a lot of what you should do comments, and you already know what you need to do, so I don't need to give you that.
I want to give you hugs and know that you are not alone through this all. I was in the same boat as you were not too long ago. I was here taking care of my 1 year old toddler with no help. When things got scary for me and the pregnancy, I did the following with taking care of her:
1. She ate in the living room, while I sat some where. Sometimes she would eat while playing, other times I would put her in her high chair while I rested on the couch (just relaxed).
2. I tried to save the laundry for once a week, sometimes every 2 weeks.
3. Cleaning, the less Bo has to play with the less of a mess it can be. Keep his play area to certain sections of the house so you don't have to be cleaning up after him non-stop as you prepare for showings.
I see that there are some of your family and friends reading your blog, so I foresee them all helping you out very soon (even if you don't want them to). I am still the same stubborn independent person I know is not always great to be.
Please, try not to stress and find time each night to relax and destress after a day's work.