The pendulum seems to be swinging erratically in my mind these days. I shift back and forth from needing to prepare for the arrival of twins to denial that we are pregnant and that there is a real possibility we might bring two babies home.
On the preparing side, the in-laws have secured the nursery furniture and will be bringing it down next weekend when we celebrate Easter. I’ve picked out the crib bumpers that I want, decided on a color for the room, cleaned out Bo’s closet, ordered a new kitchen table (so we can turn the current dining room into a living room), and we are starting the process of cleaning out the guest room to make it a nursery. There is so much to do and I’m worried about the amount of time I’ll be actively able to help do it.
I’m also reading… too much. All of the books talk about having a baby nurse or a nanny (I live in the middle of nowhere, even if we won the lottery, neither is going to happen!). None of them talk about having a toddler on top of twins. And everything I’ve read makes breastfeeding twins sound like a nightmare with 10-15 hours per day devoted to feeding. Not to mention all of the other baby care. Plus toddler care. And apparently I am suppose to eat, sleep, and shower in there too. It is overwhelming and feels like staring down the barrel of a gun that is about to go off and leave our life in chaos for at least the first year. I am trying to prepare myself mentally for this challenge but so far, I appear to be failing.
On the denial side, even on the cusp of entering the second trimester, it seems absurd to actually believe that we will be bringing two babies home in September. I know all of the many aspects of this pregnancy that can go wrong and when I really think about it, I truly do not see all of this ending well for us. And it worries me, makes me want to just shut down and forget that I’m even pregnant until I end up with babies on the other side. I think part of that is the infertility mindset, but I think another part of it is that I just know too many people with bad experiences.
I’m doing my best to balance both extremes — the preparing and the denial — but it’s difficult to just be blindly happy and feel confident that it will all work out in the end when for so many, it hasn’t…