Thanks for all of your comments on my last post. Sometimes you just need to kick me and remind me that being me, even with all of my flaws and quirks, isn’t that awful. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be on TV. I just want to be me and be happy.
I guess what sparked the last post is that I am having a difficult time right now. I am struggling to find myself amid numerous pressures and outside influences.
I feel bogged down on all fronts. Brick and mortar students are driving me a little batty. Online deadlines are making me crazy. We are planning a trip to Tulsa (vacation of the Gods, I’m tellin‘ ya – tips for taking an 11 month old on an airplane would be greatly appreciated!). I am worried about so many things that I can’t even begin to list them all. My to-do list is so long that it makes the drive from D.C. to San Francisco seem short. And this doesn’t even include about a million other things that are going on that I’m anxious to tell all of you about but my hands are tied for at least another week. I am ready to pour it all out into the blogosphere, get it all off my chest, and let you weigh-in. Somehow, that always makes me feel better…
In the very brief moments that I have a cohesive thought that doesn’t revolve around Bo food, APA citations, or the Treaty of Paris, I find myself very introspective. I’m at a crossroads and I’m struggling with which path to take. Everyone around me is pushing me in a different direction — either consciously or subconsciously — and I’m trying my best to make my decision(s) based on what I want. What will make me happy. What will be best for my family. But even so, those outside stressors and pressures leak in — filling me with doubts, worries, and anxiety.
Each major life change is a crossroads, and up to this point, I feel like I have always chosen the right road. I just hope I have the stamina and determination to make it over the major hurdles towards the path of ultimate success and happiness.
Lots of soul-searching and navel-gazing will be present in the blog over the next few weeks. I hope you’re up for the ride. But for now, I must go back to reading research papers.
A comment on the last post and this post rolled into one:
We’re all trying to figure out what we’re doing on this ball of dirt, and the best any of us seem to do is to look at others who seem to have it figured out and try to be like them.
But ain’t nobody got nothin’ figured out.
Probably the best any of us can do is to have friends, do work that makes us happy, and bring a little light into the lives of others. Sometimes people find success–and sometimes they find a bullet in the back of the head. In any case, it doesn’t seem that very much is in our control.
I will never promise anybody that everything will “work out.” Things didn’t work out so well for six million Jews during WWII, so I don’t suppose we can’t choose how things will work out for us either.
But if we want, we can choose to be happy and to show love. We can control those things, and I think maybe that is what life is all about.
Love the world around you, and you are doing your part. Start with Mike and Bo, and spread out from there. I think, then, that no matter what else happens, you’ll manage to find some happiness.
Two art references to belabor the point:
“When You Look at the World” by U2
Film: Life Is Beautiful (1997) by Roberto Benigni
Cross roads are always difficult. I hope that you can get some clarity and figure it all out.
Good luck with choosing your path, it’s always harder to choose, but when you are on your way it all falls into place.
Good luck!
Your post today and yesterday got me to thinking. it got me thinking about who I was 11 years ago and who I am now. I thought about all the things that caused me to be the woman I am now. I went for years trying to be “perfect”. I realized, that’s never going to happen. I can only do my best and be happy with who I am. It isn’t easy trying to juggle who you are and be a mom, but all we can do is our best. You do your best and that amazing! Good luck with your crossroads, I hope it all turns out how you’d like.
Hugs,
-D
Good luck making a decision about which one of the roads is best for you to take.
As for taking an 11 month old on a plane, wake sure you have a bottle or sippy cup that he can drink at take off. The swallowing will help keep the pressure in his ears equalized.
Good luck.
Here from ICLW
(waving outstretched thumb at you)
I’m definately up for the ride! I have been on that road ever since our Emma died and, to be honest, I feel like I’m pretty close to nailing down the basics about who I really am, who I really want to become and how to make that happen..then the world comes at me again from a new angle..and wha-la a perspective I never saw before rocks my mental world. Keep trucking…we’ll find our way.