and eat it too.
Having a child shifts priorities in ways that one doesn’t even realize that priorities can be shifted. I’ve been struggling with figuring out what direction to head with my life. It’s an odd balance for me because I truly I want the best of both worlds — I want to be a wonderful role model for my kids — I want to be an independent, working mom but I still want to have a healthy dinner on the table, bake cookies and cupcakes for the school bake sale, and have kids in my house at all hours of the day.
I’m realistic. I can’t have it all. Some things will have to give (probably sleep…). But I’m definitely going to try…
Not long ago, I pondered where I fit into the whole SAHM, WAHM, and WOHM debate. Several of you chimed in via the comments and email and helped me to piece together my situation.
Since Bo was born there has been some talk of quitting my job at the high school and becoming a WAHM (teaching online). This option would allow us the flexibility to move at a moments notice if a transfer comes through for Mike. But the more I thought about it, and the more we talked about it, I realized that isn’t the right option for me. (Not working at all has never been an option for me — it just isn’t who I am… Maybe if I end up with 3 or 4 kids (ha!))
After much thought and many meetings, next year (and for as long as I’d like), I will be working part-time at the high school. I will be there about 4 hours per day and teach one block of yearbook, one block of US History, and have half a prep. I will be paid 2/3rds of my salary while retaining my seniority and tenure status. If by some miracle we decide to stay here, I will be able to go back to full-time once Bo (and/or any future children) are in school.
Part of me feels like I need to defend my decision. Especially because I could stay home and spend all of my time with Bo. But for me, that doesn’t feel like the right decision. Part of the reason I became a teacher is because it fits so well with motherhood. If I drop my career cold I will have a very difficult time re-entering the field 5 years from now. I already have too much education and too much experience which renders me as a costly new hire for many districts. When the time comes to move, most likely I will be forced to move on to community college teaching as finding a high school that is willing to pay me will be difficult.
I also feel like I need to work because I was raised to take care of myself. Heaven help me, but what if something happens to Mike? I need to be able to support myself and Bo. Sure, Mike has great life insurance, but that won’t last forever. And heaven help me even more if he would get a wild hair and decide to leave me. While rationally I don’t really see that happening, I know far to many women who felt the same way and had their entire lives fall to pieces (both emotionally and financially). I love Mike and I want to be with him forever, but I don’t want to be dependent on him. For my own sanity and peace of mind, I need to be a financial contributor to our household.
Long term, even if I was able to exit the workforce for 5 years and come back without a hitch, those 5 years would greatly impact my retirement. As it now stands Mike and I will both have significant pensions. I want to be able to retire when he does and have enough money (after paying for college education(s)) to really enjoy life. Taking time off now will hinder that goal.
I also feel that I have the perfect child care situation with my mom as Bo’s caregiver while I am at work. I’m not worried at all about her taking care of him because I know she loves him just as much as I do. I can honestly say that I’ve never had any qualms at all about leaving him there.
None of these things are a major deterrent to me staying home. If I really wanted to stay home, I could. And I would. But, I guess when you get down to the heart of the matter — I just don’t want to stay home. In a way that makes me feel like a bad mother. Shouldn’t I want to spend every waking minute with this little boy that I worked so hard to create? As selfish as it sounds, the answer is no. I don’t want to be with him all of the time. I’ve already found that I appreciate my time with him more and really feel like a better mother when I do have a few hours at work each day.
Also, being raised by a working mom I hold too many working mom philosophies dear — I want him to be independent. I want him to value work and have a good work ethic. I want him to have an amazing relationship with his grandma. I want him to know that while he is everything I have ever wanted, the rest of the world didn’t stop when he was born. I want him to know that some of the money that is used to buy his clothes, toys, vacations, and college came from his mom’s paying job. I don’t want to wrap my life so completely in his that when he leaves for college I have no idea who I am.
(Disclaimer: To the SAHM’s I know — I’m not saying you don’t or can’t do this. This is just how I feel about my own personal situation.)
I guess the only real bad part is that as a working mom, I’ll still have to do all of those things that SAHM’s do. I’ll still be cooking dinner, doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher, playing with Bo and eventually helping with homework — I’ll just have to be more efficient and do it in less time. Would staying at home lower my stress level? Yes, probably. But will staying at home allow me to have the life I want for both myself and my family? Probably not.
Will it be hard? Yes. I have no doubt about that. But can it be done? Yes. Yes, it can.
Being a SAHM is not for everyone. Some women say they’d get bored or need to feel validated or needed by the “real” world. Different personalities need different stimulants. For some women being with their kids all day is mind numbing. For others its all consuming. And then…and I fit in here, there are SAHM’s that know we could be doing “more” in the “real” world, and don’t care. We figure we’ll do it later when the kids are older. But we also like adult time and conversations. Volunteering, organizations…things that aren’t just about the kids. For ME its about balance. I am a great mom, and I give my all to my kids when I am with them. But I also know that the few times I get out with friends or to have “me” time I am still being a good Mom by taking time for myself to recharge. My husband and I don’t use babysitters. We use Grandparents…so we don’t get out as often as we could…but its our choice. We want to make sure our kids are taken care of and at this point(oldest is 6) we feel its best not to let strangers babysit. But one day we’ll let go a bit and find someone we trust to watch them. And one day I’ll probably return to work. But not until my kids are in school full time…because thats what feels right to us. Its all a matter of personal choice. I don’t feel like less of a “person” because I SAH…and I don’t think that ALL Stay at Home Mom’s are perfect mom’s…some kids would be better off if their Mom’s had a bit less influence…
I think every person has to make this decision based on their situation and it sounds like you have made a good one.
You are so, so lucky that you can work p/t and still keep your seniority etc. I don’t have that option at my job and feel like I’m always missing out at home. Sounds like a great compromise.
Such a difficult decision (one I still think about a lot). None of the options seem “perfect” for me, except the win the lotto and can now volunteer and do whatever “work” I want when I want option. You have a great p/t option though.
I think one sign of a good parent is someone who is always trying to evaluate whether they are making the best decision for THEIR family. I know you want to do the best you can for Bo, and I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
You’re lucky that you can think about an option of staying home or working or the other options.
Some people cannot afford to stay home or work part-time. Keep that in mind when thinking about your situation.
Hey there! I know it’s been awhile since I commented…I’m dealing with a lot of the same work/family balance issues as you, and the first thing to go for me has been blogging.
I don’t think I have the option to stay home…or the desire…for exactly the reasons you state. I’m making things work as I go–telecommuting part time and working fewer hours, while keeping my seniority and seeking advancement. It is hard. I worry that neither work or the kids get 100 percent from me. I too feel the need to be a financial contributor and independent. I don’t think anyone anywhere ever feels they’ve made the right decision about working or not working. So, I’m just taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens.