Breaking Point *Updated*

Remember the internalized stress I discussed in my last post? Well today it decided it needed to be external…

The day was moving along okay and then right at the beginning of 3rd block Mom decides to call. She is trying to get Grandpa in to see the doctor as his hips seem to be hurting more and more and it is becoming progressively more difficult for him to manage. She said it took them over an hour to get down 3 stairs this morning with her helping him.

I have a classroom full of yearbook girls and I’m trying to be logical with Mom. She is having issues with the doctors and I am trying to listen and help her as best as I can from school. I do not know what she wants me to do. I can’t help her physically move him at this point – I have too much extra weight on my own body. Towards the end of the conversation she starts crying and says “I’m doing the best I can. I can’t do it all on my own.” This in turn upsets me and makes me start crying. I just do not know what I can do…

So now I am bawling and I have a class to teach. I try to sit down for a few minutes and calm down but that does not really help. I am suddenly just beside myself (and I still haven’t regained control as tears are running down my face yet again.)

I walk into the other room and just tell the girls I am not up for it today. I give them a copy of the yearbook critique we were going to discuss and send them into the other room to work on designs.

Today was a day that I will be forever grateful to Mandy for. She sat down with me and talked through the whole situation and helped me to try to figure out a solution. I ended up crying through the entire block and I realized that I was not going to make it through 4th block without bawling so Mandy went and found someone to cover for me. Thank God, as there is no way I could have made it through the class…

Of course our principal comes in while I’m upset. Poor guy — he only sees me when I am in tears. And the fact that I was having someone cover my 4th block started a ripple through the school…

The fact is, I just can’t handle it. And it kills me to admit that. I’ve been crying pretty much nonstop since 12. Everything that I have been trying so hard to hold in has just broken loose. I am tried of trying to be strong and handle it all. Obviously, I can’t do it. I’ve reached the breaking point.

I’m 9 months pregnant. My grandpa (who raised me — so he is more like my dad) is dying. My mom does not have anyone else to talk to or rely on for anything except me. I am an only child. I am trying to work and make sure that everything is setup to run smoothly for my students while I am gone. I am trying to make sure that Mandy has enough support that she can handle the yearbook while I am gone. Physically I feel like crap. Add all of these factors together (plus a few I can’t even think of right now since I’m such a basket case) and it is no wonder I’m in the process of erupting.

But I hate it. I want to be strong. I am the strong one. But I am tried of being strong…

******
Tuesday evening we admitted Grandpa to the ICU. He has bronchitis along with the bruised hips and bladder issues.

I decided I could not handle teaching all day but I am still trying to be superwoman. I went to school from 6 until 9 this morning and I am just checking my email briefly before relieving Mom at the hospital. I have to be back at school at 11 for yearbook. Our publisher is coming today so I will probably get out of there about 2. Needless to say I am working all but 3 hours of a normal school day (and I put in 2 of those before the day started!) at school and not getting paid for it because they had to hire an all day sub… I guess money is really the least of my worries right now.

Physically, it is time for this baby to come out. My ankles/feet/calves are so swollen I am surprised I can walk. Absolutely no shoes fit so I am wearing flip-flops. Seriously, I have elephant feet…

Time for the elephant to head to the hospital…