I’m Stubborn. Not Brave.

Spanglish commented that I’m brave. Spanglish, I’m not brave. I’m not anywhere near brave. I’m stubborn. There is a huge difference.

To illustrate my point — let me refer back to my pageant experience…

I competed in my first local pageant at the age of 16. My mom was told that there was no way I would win. I didn’t. I didn’t get anything. But, that left the thought in the back of my mind “one day, I’m going to win that pageant.”

I competed in the same local pageant again at 20. I had been away at college for 2 years at this point and always in the back of my mind I thought about the pageant. “I need to stay up late and study for this test — it will help me in the pageant if I have a high GPA.” “I need to get involved on campus, it will help in the pageant.” “I have to go workout this morning – I want to look great for the pageant.” My second year of college I lost about 20 pounds. I worked out religiously. Had amazing grades and worked to put myself through school. It was stressful, but I was determined. I actually did not intend to compete in the pageant until the next year but Mandy convinced me to do it with her that year and I did. I received first runner-up.

You would think I would know when to quit… but obviously I didn’t. I competed in the same pageant again at the age of 21. I had managed to graduate from a 5 year program (with 2 minors) in 3 years. I looked better than I ever have in my life. And, I’d manage to snag a wonderful man along the way. Mike and I had been dating for about 6 months when I competed in the pageant. And I finally won. All of the hard work had paid off. I had met my goal. You’d think I would have been satisfied.

The pageant feeds into a statewide pageant system. I had 6 months to prepare for the state pageant where I competed against 68 young women. I went back to school to get my masters and worked my tail off preparing for the pageant. And I won at state.

It sounds all “Cinderella story-like” when I tell it. But it really wasn’t that way at all. It was a very hard stage of my life. I didn’t enjoy college the same way many people did. I was too focused on my goals (story of my life…) and I refused to give up. Many people in my community thought I was insane to compete in the local pageant 3 times. Many thought I would never have a chance for a large number of reasons. My mom even told me the week before the last local pageant that I should just give up, I was never going to win anyway.

But the fact is I am the type of person who responds to a challenge. I still think about the fact that I was told I would never win when I was 16. And the spark that created. Working towards my goal of winning the pageant (just to spite people really — I’m definitely not a “girly-girl” or even pageant material, but I wasn’t about to let someone else tell me that!) pushed me to succeed in a lot of other areas in my life as well. I pushed myself so hard and eventually I made it.

My pageant experiences remind me of my infertility experiences. I’m not one to give up. Yes, there are many days when I am down. When I don’t know if I have the strength to go on. When I think Mike should just leave me or I should just give up. When I think I will never make it to my goal. But the fact is, like winning the pageant, this has become a challenge. You think I’ll never have biological children — well, I’ll show you!!

In some ways that may sound like a childish response but having a child has become that new motivating factor in many areas of my life. It is the thought that if I work long enough and hard enough and spend enough — eventually I will get there.

The strangest coincidence — it was my 3rd local pageant that I won. This was my 3rd fresh IVF cycle. My state speech was “Third Time’s the Charm.” If I end up with a baby, that same sentiment will ring true. 3 seems to be a special number…

I’m hopeful that I’m on the downhill slide of this challenge (at least this leg of it). I’m hopeful that I will hold a baby in my arms in November. But at the same time, I know that if this doesn’t work out I’ll keep trying. I’ll spend all the money we have. I’ll do this until it kills me. Just to prove that I can.

I’m stubborn. Not brave.

Personally, I think that the bravest souls in the infertility trenches are those who can walk away. Those that realize that having children doesn’t have to be their whole life and that they can stop treatments. To me, that is brave, because I can’t imagine my life without a child in it.

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